Having spent the previous Saturday being run ragged by the friendly but ruthless Real Asian Men we are looking forward to the challenges of playing Ifield 4th XI. This is not to disrespect the men from Ifield but we hope they are more suited to the 5th XIs level (they might even have a few juniors playing – we have not played against any junior cricketers since the 14th May). Although well beaten last week the batting showed more promise & Captain Simon was being asked/begged by some of the senior players to consider batting first as an option.

Selection comes & goes but by Thursday it is clear not all is well with the world. Lots of players are heading to the Wildlife Festival (apparently not a hippy convention celebrating nature) and the injuries are piling up. The 5th XI are missing most of the batters who were so keen to bat first & with a final injury occurring on Friday night we meet at the Nevill on Saturday morning knowing we only have 10 players (including 2 colts managers neither of whom claim to have played for a few years). Still we are a happy (& simple) bunch as we head North for the short journey to Staplefield.

Looks like a “proper” English village ground, small and slopey, a small wooden pavilion, surrounded by roads & is overlooked by the village pub. As usual we beat the opposition to the ground & wait for the Ifield 4s to arrive. Looks like it might rain but the good news is the opposition DO have some junior players!

It’s a classic start as neither captain wants to win the toss. Captain Simon duly does & elects to bowl first (the plan to bat first disappeared sometime on Wednesday). As the game begins it appears to be getting cloudier & it is clear to see that a few miles away it is raining heavily.

The new ball is taken by youngsters Ollie & Kyle & they are bowling to 2 of Ifield’s youngest players. The bowlers start well, bowling full & getting some swing. There is the odd boundary but nothing too concerning. Ollie makes the breakthrough with the score at 18. Both young ‘uns finish decent spells & are followed by the more senior JP & the Kiwi (Alex). There is some surprise as JP bowls their number 3 with the straight slow one (aren’t they all?). Surprise turns to delight in JP’s next over as he first removes the opener (thanks to an excellent catch by Kyle on the 45) and then the new batter miss hits one & is held by Darron “buckets” Lloyd at mid-off. 48 for 4 is the score but the rain begins to fall & we reluctantly trudge off the field.

The small wooden pavilion becomes our home for an hour as the rain continues to fall. The very friendly Ifield team make cups of tea & there is even time for Captain Simon to give us a rousing rendition of “You’ve lost that loving feeling” with backing vocals from Daz (for the youngsters this was a hit for a popular beat combo called the Righteous Brothers in 1965). The rain relents but the first wander over the outfield shows how very wet it is. We agree to wait another 20 minutes & if the rain continues to hold off we will give it a go.

A mathematical genius decrees that the game is now 37 overs a side & we restart the game. It is fair to say that those test match players would not leave the comfort of the Lords pavilion in these conditions. The Kiwi has to finish his over; as the first ball pitches you can see the splash! The pitch is definitely moist. It is so wet that even JP struggles with his walk-up.

The Kiwi & JP struggle on, the ball getting wetter & wetter but everyone tries in the field & we are on top. There is a partnership building and with the score on 94, Finn makes the break through & gets the danger man, Goldwyn Fernandes out for 35 to a great catch by the Kiwi at mid-off. The Kiwi then bowls the obdurate Raj & we are right amongst them. The fielders keep working & Jacob (our 5th keeper in 5 games) is doing a great job behind the stumps. Kyle picks up 2 (well deserved) quick wickets, the second to a skier well taken by the Kiwi, and before we know it we have bowled a side out for the first time this season. Ifield have managed 113 (and we have 10 bonus points) – surely we have a chance of chasing this in 37 overs?

OK, to be fair we were not perfect in the field and there were a couple of calamities partly due to the moistness & the mud. JP twice got stuck in the mud & failed to take returns from the deep from the Kiwi (both would have been run outs), Mike Masters dropped a couple of “chances” (the second one would have definitely won any catch of the season competition – diving, one handed), and Captain Simon shelled one at mid-off (unfortunately just after he moved Daz “buckets” from mid-off to long-on).There are some great bowling figures to enjoy over an excellent tea (Kyle 2 for 28, Ollie 2 for 21, the Kiwi 2 for 16 & JP has 3 for 28).

Captain Simon has a dilemma not only are we missing a few senior batters we don’t have any openers (to be frank we don’t have any top 4 batters). Names in a hat……he hatches a plan the batting will be started by the unlikely pairing of JP & Daz with Ollie at 3 & the captain at 4, what could possibly go wrong?

Four overs pass without mishap but then JP is bowled neck & crop, a few more uneventful overs and Daz is LBW trying to whip a straight one to the leg-side. We are 13 for 2, slow going but the opening bowlers are accurate, what will the change bowlers be like? A couple more overs pass & then there is a moment when you can tell the game is changing. Captain Simon is facing & suddenly hits to leg, it is a top edge & goes very high but clears the boundary for a maximum. The next ball meets the same fate although this time it is a much cleaner hit & lands in the road! The away crowd are going mad & we are suddenly ahead of the run rate. CS (or is that “2 6s” now?) hits one more 4, a clean hit through mid- on before being bowled. Before he walks off he takes time to congratulate the young bowler on a great delivery (what a gentleman).

We are now 53 for 4, the run rate is not a problem, the openers are off but we have 2 new batters at the crease, one of whom has not batted in a proper game since he was at school. Nothing to worry about young Kyle is full of confidence following his good innings last week & Tony Gould appears to have a fairly immaculate forward defensive. Kyle starts with some pulls/guides to leg & there is some great running between the wickets. Tony having demonstrated his defence suddenly drives one through mid-off for 4 and in the next over pulls a full toss for 4. Kyle keeps going pushing in to the covers & running (top effort to keep up Tony) and also sweeps & pulls effectively. The target gets closer & closer, the bowlers keep changing but the batters have the game under control. Four byes are conceded & suddenly we have won by 6 wickets with 7 whole overs to spare. The heroes are both undefeated, Kyle with 33 & tony with 20. We have won & claimed maximum points. A great effort & everyone is over the moon!

We retire to the Nevill clubhouse to enjoy a few celebratory beers & the BERURO challenge (Jake Wilkins wins this week).

The team sponsors (Mixed Metaphors & Cliches Inc) are pleased to announce that the MMC MVP was Kyle Masters.